Father Ted Clips

A short transcript of the clips from Father Ted that Richard appeared in.  Episode: The Mainland.

All images/artwork is taken from screen grabs from the episode itself.  All copyright remains with the original authors.

The Very Dark Caves.  It's Almost Like Being Blind

Ted: God all mighty, look who it is, it's that actor,

Dougal: who?

Ted: Yunno, your man from one foot in the grave, the "I Dooon't Beeeelieeeeve it" man

Dougal: Ooooh Wow.

Ted: God that's amazing, look at him there

slight pause

Ted (sniggering): Do you know what he'd love?

Dougal: what?

Ted: He'd love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase

Dougal: ohhh yeah ted, He'd Love that! You should definitely do that

Ted: Should I?

Dougal: Awww Yeah, I'd say no one ever does that to him, he'd think you're hilarious. Yunno, this is one of these times that I'm absolutely 100 million per cent sure that you'd be doing the right thing. I can safely say you'd definitely definitely won't regret doing that.

Ted: Yunno what? I'm going to do it!

Dougal: Brilliant Ted

Ted: Will I?

Dougal: Yeahhhh Go on.

Ted: Hold the camera

Ted walks away, turns and gives the thumbs up sign to dougal and just before he reaches the guide and Richard turns once more to Dougal and gives the thumbs up signal again to Dougal who reciprocates.

Ted (in the loudest ear-shattering voice) "I DON'T BELIEVE IT"

Short pause of disbelief before Richard attacks Ted several times until they are separated

Richard: I'll Bloody well kill you

A long limping walk back to Dougal.

Dougal: well, what did he say, did he laugh.

Ted: no, no no, not really, I'm going to sit down now.

Later on, in the caves

Guide: And this rock here is actually granite

Ted: How long would that be there?

Guide: Oh many millions of years

Ted: Really? As long as that? That is fascinating

Dougal (excitedly - clicking fingers) How come all the rocks are different sizes

Guide: (not quite sure that Dougal is serious) well, yunno, rocks are generally different sizes

Dougal: Wow, I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.

Guide: of course, at this time most of this whole area would have been submerged under water

Dougal (clicking fingers for attention) how did everyone breath?

Ted: They'd have had some sort of apparatus

Dougal: oh right, WOW look at that rock over there (runs off to have a closer look).

Guide (carrying on) Well this is actually the oldest part of our tour, this particular cave was formed more than 15 million years ago

Ted: WOW, I don't believe it.

Richard Wilson turns around: YOU AGAIN. Get out of it, I don't want to see you again. BASTARD.

Ted and Dougal Run off

Guide: That parts not open to the p... oh Mr Wilson, Could I just say how sorry that I am...

Richard: Oh, that's alright, that's alright, as long as I don't have to hear that bloody catchphrase again

Guide (pursing lips - thinking) I Don't believe it. I DON'T BELIEVE IT

Later...

Dougal (Frightened): AH! TED, My tanktop has turned into some kind of womans bra.

Ted: what? [notices tank top] It's after unravelling. Huh huh huh. [short pause] Oh my god. DOUGAL, we can find our way back with this. You've obviously snagged it on something. If we use this we can find our way out. Ha ha ha! THANK GOD DOUGAL we'll
be out in no time. HA HA HA HA HA.

Dougal: Should you be winding it up like that or should we not be following it?

Ted: what?

Dougal: Well, what use would it be when your finished winding it up?

Ted: AH!!!! I I Don't believe it. (echo. over and over)

 

Richard notices the echo, not quite making it out until he realises that it is his catchphrase echoing over and over.